Fourteen bikes, two tandems and one travelling Lemon

Many of you may have read my tales of my regular week of guarding on the SVR in the week between our two 1940s events, but there are other happenings away from this event that can put a grin on the guards face or a groan in his voice, here is a collection of a few of them.
Going back many years, my very first solo turn back 2003 had been a goods train, just a trip working from Bewdley to Kidderminster and return to turn a wagon, however I had to wait until 4th October 2003 to get my hands on a passenger train. It was a diesel gala and so potentially a baptism of fire, and probably wouldn't be allowed these days.
Oddly, for someone who's career has been mainly based around the south end, I was actually working the 10.20 train from Bridgnorth. At the time I was living in Wolverhampton, and so it didn't matter much to which end I went.
I was nervous, and had allowed far too much time to travel the 20 or so miles from home, and had also allowed an extra hour to check my train over, so having sat in the car listening to the radio for a bit, I eventually went and booked on about 8 a.m.
I walked round the train, a rake of 6 Gresley coaches and 2 Mk Is, turning the scales at 268 tons, with 50031 already standing at the head.
At the time, I wasn't aware of diesel driver's tendency to turn up as late as possible, before prepping the loco, brake test and away, if I had have been I'd have gone and had breakfast, and several coffee's, but this wasn't to be.
Eventually my driver arrived and the Mighty English Electric 16CSVT engine coughed into life (And cold class 50's really do cough and splutter) and we carried out the final part of the prep, the brake test, with me giving the driver the weight of the train too.
With the brake test carried out, we were off, and my guard's career was under way, and the trip it's self was quite event free, until we got to Bewdley.
East of Bewdley (Kidderminster is East from here, not south as the line describes a 180 degree arc making Bewdley actually the southern most station) we were to Double head, and onto the front of the train backed 40135.
Once satisfied that the lead engine could operate the brake, we set off. I watched the train past the Up starter, but being an English Electric fan, I left my head out of the window listening to the noise the two type 4's were making.
We made our way up the long climb out of Bewdley but with 4,700 horsepower available to us, they were making light work of the train, as we rattled over the Bridge at Devil's spittleful, and on up the hill past the airport. We swung round the curve past Bewdley south box's Down distant signal just outside the tunnel mouth, and then it all went black....
There was a cheer from the train, followed by another when I eventually found the light switch. I was embarrassed, but no one was hurt, it was a reminder that I was very very junior and couldn't afford to allow anything to take my mind off the job.
Easter 2004, and I was having a lazy afternoon, I took a trip to Bridgnorth on the train, and returned to Bewdley in the guards van. The guard was a friend of mine by the name of Phil, and we were chatting away having left Hampton loade, when the train swayed violently.
Phil looked puzzeled, looked out of the window to see if everything was still on the road. Thankfully we were.
"Shall I book that?" he asked.
"I would," I replied, "Just in case, better safe than sorry."
"True," he said, looking out, "We'll we've just past Mile post 144 1/4 so if that was a quarter mile back, that would have been about 144 1/2"
"Agreed," I said, and he booked it.
As the weeks went by, the rough riding got worse, and every time one of us went across it, we booked it, "Rough riding MP 144 1/2" and rough it was, in each direction it gave a lurch towards the river, then back the other way, then to the river again. This area was, and still is well known for subsidence, and most drivers take it easy through here knowing how soft the ground is.
Then one afternoon, an inspector came into my van.
Now inspectors have different styles, and this one had a habit of clashing with me, and was known to have guards hiding if they knew he was about, however, as I was on duty, hiding was n ot an option for me.
"Stop reporting rough riding in Alvely woods," He demanded, " The P-way no about it, and there is nothing wrong with the track, I don't want to read it on your journal again."
I made sure to ignore him, partly to cover myself if anything did happen, and partly because I knew he's be annoyed.
The following Tuesday I was about to have my lunch at work, when my phone rang, it was a friend of mine who lived in Bewdley.
"Hello Mike," I said, "Whats up?"
"Just thought you'd want to know," he replied, "Nothing is going North of Highley at the moment."
"Why's that?" I asked.
"Embankment has collapsed in Alvely wood," he replied.
"Where abouts?"
"Mile post 144 1/2," he replied, "It looks like you and Phil were right."
Sunday 13th February 2005, and Phil and myself were in the thick of it again.
I turned up at Kidderminster to check the dining train over, and was surprised to see Phil's train sat there without a loco, and 1501 at the head of mine.
"That's odd," I commented, "I was expecting 5164."
"You've got 5164," said Phil, "That's my engine."
"How do you mean?" I replied.
"It's been on my train for two hours now," he said, "And I thought you'd appreciate some heat."
"Oh?" I replied, "So where's the 51?"
"Inspecting the line," he replied, "Eyemore cutting has collapsed, heaven knows when we will be going anywhere, but if it's not in the next hour I'm having that engine back, because my train is going cold."
Phil's hour of warmth was nearly up when News came through that my loco was on its way back, and we would spend the day running an emergency shuttle service between Kidderminster and Bewdley only.
A few years later, and I was guarding the Carmine and Cream set. The brake van on this is an ex-BG which has had windows put into the vans in order to turn them into saloons for wheel chairs. The tables are of the removable type and can be stowed along side the guards compartment in order to turn one or both of the saloons back into vans if required.
My TTIs that day are now an indication of how times have changed. One was Dave Brattan, a little fella with a cheeky grin and more than a passing Resemblance to Alan Carr, the other was Mark Blything, a bigger, rather more solid looking lad, whose hair appeared to change colour with the regularity of a chameleon on a stripey carpet. Dave these days is a Guard's inspector, while Mark is the DMU group's bar manager, how times have changed.
Anyway on this particular day, we were chatting about how to remove tables from MK I's, something my two TTI's were unaware of. In all fairness, I only knew because an ex-BR man had shown me how to remove them.
Two weeks later, and I'm on the same set, and with the same two TTI's, when we arrived at Hampton Loade.
Old Fred out of the booking office walked up to us, and looked at 80776, which was on the platform, and the other van at the rear of the train, which wasn't. Looking suspiciously at the big saloons he asked "Reckon you can get a couple of Bikes on?"
Handily, the leading saloon, which was the only one with doors on the platform, was also un-occupied, so I replied, "Aye, we'll get a couple on."
"Good," said Fred, "I've got fourteen bikes and two tandems for you."
"That's not really a couple is it Fred?" I said, "Better whip the tables out lads."
"Oh arr," said Fred as an after thought, "They need tickets an' all, I worn't gunna sell tickets to all that bloomin' lot."
"Thanks Fred," I replied, as we got the last bike on, and I waved the train away.
And so, I hear you ask, where does the Lemon come into this, well, for now, this will be the final tale.
Those of you who know me, will know I am a big fan of radio 4, particularly their comedies, and you may well have heard a few of us actually playing Mornington Crescent on the platforms, trains and in the pub, however, however, the Lemon comes from a different comedy of which I am a fan, by the name of "Cabin Pressure" which while no longer on air, is still available on CD (An I highly recommend them) However, in one episode, the first officer (Roger Alum) suggests to the Captain (Benedict Cumberbach) a game called "The traveling Lemon" in which you take it in turns to hide a lemon in plain sight around your aeroplane, and send your colleagues in turn, to hunt for it. Now in this regard, trains are not hugely different to aeroplanes, they are long metal tubes, in which passengers are transported without the ability to get off between stops, or so the logic went with one of our signalmen, who is a fan of the same series. On this day, he had brought his mother out for a trip on the train. As the alighted at Hampton Loade, the signalman's mum walked up to the van, and simply said "Olly, the Lemon is in play."
Given that I do actually have a safety critical job to do, I couldn't really go searching the train until we got into Bridgnorth, upon which I walked down the train, knowing roughly where my friend had been seated, and found a large lemon on the luggage rack.
Rob and his mum caught the following train into Bridgnorth, by which time the Lemon was safely jammed between the emergency ladder and the roof of the van for them to find. Dropping them off at Highley, after a few hints, they found the lemon, and went away to think about where to hide it next.
In the mean time I took the train to Kidderminster and back, picking them up again at Arley. when no further comments were passed, I assumed the games were over, until arriving in Bridgnorth, where my two friends once again told me the Lemon was in play, before heading home.
There followed the odd sight of the guard walking through the train, asking people "Has anyone handed you a Lemon to hold."
Giving up and accepting that this time I had been out witted, and wondering how I could explain it if anyone did find it, I gave up and went to get the tail lamp, at least I knew where that was.
The lamp was on the Iron nearest the platform, so I left it in place while I jumped down to drop the vacuum bag for the crew of the loco, before climbing back up to deal with the lamp, only to spot a large yellow object jammed in the crook of the handle!
And appropriately enough, that is the end!

 

Must admit, despite listening to Radio 4 and Radio 4 extra reasonably often, never listened to Cabin Pressure.

 

It was brilliant mate, if they put it back on you should try it!

 

Does the Phil refer to me or Phil Price

 

Definitely recommend cabin pressure, I have the whole series on CD and it's a regular listen for my son when we're in the car.

 

Was you from what I recall

 

Very long time ago....many miles gone by since then

 

Indeed! More than 16 that's for sure! The various stories in there span 13 years.