QUick replies and stupid passengers...

On the Bodmin line one day....
Passenger, the grandad, was giving the grown up son and grandson a load of rubbish about these lovely old engines and the cabs, the big red one being the brake....pointing at the reverser.... etc etc....this went on for a few minutes. I was firing that day with a driver who is drier than your average desert! The passenger wondered over to us and pointed at a pipe on the engine... "What's that pipe driver?" he asked.... the reply came back... "Copper!"

On the paignton line iv had some other beauties too...
1.Looking at Lydham Manor a passenger asked if it was a German engine because of the power classification on the cab, a capital D!

2. A passenger asked what coal we use... i replied "black" bfore being rescued by my driver and we chuffed off.

3. After arriving at kingswear a passenger wondered up and asked "What does the engine run on is it diesel?", the reply he got was of course " No....try coal and water...."
A bemused look from my driver summed it all up!

 

Passenger - There are no toilets on this train.
Guard - Yes there are sir, they are at the end of each coach.
Passenger - Well, there aren't any in this coach.
Guard - Yes there are sir, they are by the sign that says Toilet

On another occasion.
Guard, on entering a platfrom - Northwood Halt
Passenger in next window - excuse me, is this Bewdley?
Guard simply points at the sign.

 

It's like the old story of...

Guard comes down the train checking tickets, "Tickets please."
When he comes to a particuarly well dressed gent, bowler hat, umbrella, suit, brief case and Financial TImes, "Ticket please, Sir."

"Ticket? Do you know who i am?" said the well dressed passenger.
A little suprised the guard replied "Well, obviously not, i would have said hello if i did know you wouldnt i?"
Once the shock had at least partly gone from the irate passengers face the guard tried again, "Ticket PLEASE, sir!"

"Ticket....Ticket?! My face is my ticket!"

To which the guard replied, by the way if Carlsberg made replys they'd probably have made this...." Well i regret to inform you sir that i have been told to punch all tickets!"

 

Pass "Does this train stop at Kings Cross?"
Staff "Well there would be a loud bang and a mess if it didn't!"

Pass "Excuse me, where do I get on the train to Brighton?"
Staff "Through the door like everyone else"

 

Passenger buying ticket at Clitheroe - last week

Passenger : I'd like a return ticket please.
Clerk : Where would that be to sir ?
Passenger : Clitheroe - of course; that where I'm coming back to !
Clerk : You can't come back until you tell me where you're going.
Passenger - now apologetic - gives destination and remains red-faced every time he passes booking office window.

 

The old ones are the best. That particular piece of fiction was doing the rounds over 20 years ago during the 1980s, and was even used on television by one comedian whose name escapes me at present.

Jack

 

I think it's older than that, I recall hearing it on an episode of "I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again" which my Dad taped back in the 1960s, in the story of the "3.17 to Cleethorpes". No idea of specific year but it's in there

 

spotter : when did it carry that colour?
guy from shed : when we painted it!!!

=D>

 

Me and the driver gave someone a footplate ride
"Is that handle the steering wheel?" The woman asked
"It's the steam brake" Whilst trying not to laugh!

 

Passenger: Are there any gradients on this line?
Me Trainee Fireman: You didn't notice the angle of the carriage on the 1 in 36 then.

 

"Why are you putting so much coal in that fire thingy?" A teenager asked
"Look at the hill" anwered the fireman

 

After giving right away and watching the train out of Rothley station, I sat down in my bucket seat and noticed a rather rotund child (whom had been watching me for a while). "What do you do? Do you shovel the coal?".

"No". #-o

 

The drawback is that this is no OLD joke - but a regular request from members of the younger generation ( at least to this old fogie ) which indicates educational problems related to an excessive interaction with computers.

 

Joe Public - Why have they taken the engine off the train?
Me - So it will be at the front when we go back the other way.
JP - Why don't they just push the train from the back?
Me - Because the visiability with 400 feet of train infront of you ain't great.

 

Passenger - what time does this train get to London?
Guard - 22.12 madam
P - 20 to 12? Wow that's late.
G - no, 22.12, 12 minutes past 10.
P - oh that's better!

 

Indeed so, I've been asked it on a number of occasions when working in the booking offices at Swanage. At least its a bit easier to work out what they actually want when you've only got five stations to think of, rather than the whole national network...!

 

whilst sat on my loco and someone came up to me and said is it electric? i said yes and the central heatings good too *rubs hands and point palms towards the fire*

[-o< please forgive these small minded idiots [-o<

Callum

 

Not railway this one, but I remember going along for the ride when my mum had her first driving 'lesson' - round the car park at STC's factory in Paignton. As she was tentatively approaching the end of the car park and beginning to turn, she asked my Dad "Do I need to turn the wheel back again after going round the corner" I made urgent gestures indicating my desire to vacate the vehicle!!

 

When making use of the in-swinging guards van door on a Mk1, by pretending to push start a train, a passenger on board asked if I really was pushing it. I couldn't think of a whitty reply, so I simply informed her that indeed, I was.

 

Leaving Bridgnorth, a rather drunk passenger asks my ticket inspector if we are going yet?
TTI replies, "Not yet, they are just moving the scenery past the window sir."
Gentleman, sattisfied with this answer returns to his seat, to inform his friend of the situation.